Saturday, 2 September 2017

Hello readers, it's been a while since I've last updated the blog so I've decided to write a bit of an update to explain where I'm at with my writing and why I've been absent from here and Twitter for a while now. I hope it explains why there's been a lack of new content and I really, really hope my loyal readers and followers understand why I've been absent from here. Sorry if I don't explain this very well but I thought I needed to give an explanation for the lull so you don't all think I've given up or can't be bothered anymore.

So where am I at? I've tweeted a few times about working on a few pieces for the blog and this is true. I've been managing to get some writing done here and there and I've been editing some old pieces that are near completion and sitting in my drafts. Currently, I have blogger drafts in the three figures so I can assure you that I've been true to my word and have been working on all of the things I've said I've been. However, at the moment I really feel like I'm losing sight of my passion which has made writing difficult. I don't want to go into my personal circumstances because, let's be honest, nobody really cares about that but what I will say is that I've been going through some personal troubles which means some days I'm unable to find the motivation to do anything. As pathetic as it sounds, even just managing to garner enough interest to watch a film feels like a personal achievement (and if we're going all confessional getting out of bed some days can be a daunting task). It's hard when your state of mind prevents you from really enjoying anything or being able to engage with the things you love and it's especially hard when you know you're capable but can't quite get there. I guess what I'm trying to get across is that I really want to be able to write about the films I love but my head space isn't always in a place where I can do that (I realise I sound like the biggest loser right now!) Writing makes me feel like I have something to contribute (even if it is overly analytical pieces on Italian horror) so when I can't get there it feels like I'm really failing!

I've been delighted to help other people in the community and it's great discussing films and other people's projects with them but I find it frustrating sometimes due to my inability to tackle my own work. Sometimes it's easier to shy away from the community because it's a reminder of my own failings and I start to put pressure on myself to complete something and I get myself all worked up about it which makes things worse. If I don't reply to you/message you back/engage with your content I'm really sorry. I feel terribly guilty about missing what other people are up to and please, if you do have something you want me to read message me! I promise I will get to it in the end.

My biggest issue in all facets of my life is having low self esteem and when I'm in a place like the one I'm at now I tend to become ultra self critical so when I do manage to write, I constantly delete good material because in my mind, everything I do is rubbish. I have an article on Midnight Ripper which is so close to being complete yet every sentence I now write gets thrown out by me for being shit. In reality it's probably not that bad! Obviously, I need to learn to be less self critical and I've been coming on a bit the last few weeks - a great support network of friends and family have helped me tackle this issue and a really rough time in my life and I'm starting to feel like I can write again (maybe!) A special thanks to my Twitter pal Signor Wardh for checking up on me and giving me some decent advice!

I've wanted to have a blog dedicated to gialli since I was 17 and I never could have imagined that I would have a readership and people that want to read my perspective. It blows me away and I want to emphasise how grateful I am to everyone that takes the time to read my work, reply to my questions on Twitter or retweet/favourite my photo sets. I should take stock of what I have achieved like contributing to Arrow's release on Phenomena - who would have thought I'd be included in a release of one of my favourite directors? I'm always going to be annoyed at my lack of self confidence and the things it prevents me from doing. I think a lot about all the articles, projects and podcasts I might have done with a bit of self love. However, as things stand, I'm just grateful that people still follow me and enjoy my content. I promise I'll get there but thank you for understanding  (I hope!) as to why I need a little time to work on my issues.



  1. You're an EXCELLENT writer, Rachel, keep up the good work!

    1. Thanks Matt! I really appreciate your kind words and constant support with my writing.

  2. I hope you find your motivation again, Rachel. I've enjoyed your posts and Arrow work. I'll continue to follow whatever you're involved in, if that's any comfort. Take care.

    1. Thank you Daniel, that's very kind of you. You've championed me from early on in my writing and I'm honoured to have your support. X

  3. Sorry to hear this and as someone struggling with anxiety and depression, I can relate with the whole struggling to do anything... even things that should be enjoyable/relaxing.

    I hate to recite platitudes/cliches etc but I guess they're there for a reason. So, like they say, one day at a time. And one thing at a time. I think we, perhaps conditioned by school, society etc, expect far too much from and are far too hard on ourselves a lot of the time.

    And as folks have said here and on twitter, you should feel proud of the work you've contributed to the community, both via this blog and your work for Arrow. Always well crafted, engaging and insightful, your writing is a joy to read. I understand that we're all our our worse critics though. And part of that is probably a good thing, I think, as it may ward off complacency.

    Anyway, I'm rambling. I'll simply end by saying take all the time you need. As much as we feel we may have obligations and responsibilities to others, it's critical we don't lose sight of our our needs and frailties in the midst of so often trying to cater to the former. I hope you feel better about everything soon and as some like to say, you got this :) Like you said, you're in the Arrow Phenomena set! I'd call that kicking ass and taking names. Anyway, apologies again for the long and rambling comment. Wishing you all the best :)


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